Smart Stuff

Babies are angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer.
There’s a wonderful new baby food on the market. It’s half orange and half
garlic. It not only makes the baby healthier, but easier to find in the dark.
John Batchelder
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.
When the first baby laughed […]

A bachelor is like a new detergent, works fast and leaves no ring.
Terry Canterbury
I belong to Bridegrooms anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they
send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.
Dick Martin
She was another one of his near Mrs.
Alfred McFote
Bachelors know more about women than married […]

There is more felicity on the far side of baldness than young men can possible
imagine.
Logan Pearsall Smith
He looks like somebody I shot into the side pocket this afternoon.
Unknown
He was so bald that when you looked at him from ten feet away, it seemed like
his neck was blowing bubble gum.
Unknown
His head looks like a landing […]

Notes for a ballet, “The Spell”: …Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings
and a group of wild swans flies across the moon;.. Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund who is careful not to make any poultry jokes.
Woody Allen
Why do they […]

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it
back when it begins to rain.
Robert Frost
Lady to bank teller: “I’d like to open a joint account with someone who has
plenty of money.”
A. Courtney
Among the books with unhappy endings are checkbooks.
Anon
When a poor man has too much money, […]

Men have been barbarians much longer than they have been civilized. They are
only precariously civilized, and within us there is the propensity, persistent
as the force of gravity, to revert under stress and strain, under neglect or
temptation, to our first natures.
Walter Lippman
Barbarism is the absence of standards to which appeal can be made.
Jose Ortega […]

When you have given nothing, ask for nothing.
Albanian Proverb
You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.
William Blake
When firmness is sufficient, rashness is unnecessary.
Napoleon Bonaparte
The ability to get to the verge without getting into the war is the necessary art.
John Foster Dulles
A Miser and a liar bargain quickly.
Greek […]

He who marries a beauty marries trouble.
African Proverb
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of
parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Woody Allen
A thing of beauty is a great expense.
Anon
Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse
of an eternity that […]

The conduct of our lives is the true mirror of our doctrine.
Montaigne
Right conduct can never, except by some rare accident, be promoted by ignorance
or hindered by knowledge.
Bertrand Russell
Every attempt to explain human behavior, especially the irrational, must as a
matter of course end in simplification.
Morton Irving Seiden
I never observe rules of conduct, and therefore have given […]

Belgium is the most densely populated country in Europe…the land is entirely
invisible, except in the small hours of the morning, being for the rest of the
time completely under foot…the sprout was developed by Brussels agronomists, this being the largest cabbage a housewife could possibly carry through the teeming streets.
Alan Coren